May 15: Your Mom's Edition

Fringe Festival approaching rapidly! No time to blog! But while I'm here, can we talk for a minute about your mom? She is quite a lady, your mom. Works awful hard, if you know what I mean. Yes indeed, your mom is a constant source of inspiration, and that's why the theme for May is Your Mom.

Obvious? Well, yeah. But it is her month, and let's face it - moms don't really go in for your fuzzy hipster irony. So suck it up, writers. This month, let's have some poems and stories dedicated to that most wonderful and tolerant woman in your life. Make your mom proud, and don't worry if she can't attend. I'll let her know how you did when I drop by.

And hey, did I mention this Fringe Festival thing? Recover quick from Speakeasy, because the Fringe is upon us that very week, from May 17-28. Of special interest to you as smart cookies:

• The Fringe Poetry Smackdown, taking place on the outdoor stage at Loch Haven Park on Saturday May 19 and 26
• The Fringe Toast-Off (you remember those from Will's. right?), also on the outdoor stage at 10 p.m. on Friday May 25

Both are hosted by your less-than-heavenly host, Tod Caviness. You can also find him (uh, me), and some of your favorite Speakeasy regulars creating poetry for bucks and beer at the Poetry Vending Machine - look for it on the lawn during all hours of the festival.

April 17: The Undead Edition

OK, first off: We know. Between Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, The Walking Dead, the ease of the Thriller dance and the general cheapness of blue/gray makeup ... zombies are puh-layed out. Just shoot the craze dead already. No, not there. In the head. The head, goddammit! Shit. Out of bullets. No! Stay back! Keep your filthy teeth off meeeaaAAAAAGH THE PAIN gurgle choke.

Where were we? Ah yes, an apology. Sure, the theme for Speakeasy in April is Zombies. How can we resist? I mean, Easter. Come on. The eggs are pretty and the candy's dandy but let's not forget to teach our kids the true reason for the season: That on a day long ago in the general vicinity of April, a man got whupped to death and arose from the grave to cause a widespread plague of flesh-eating and blood-drinking. So come on out to Will's Pub on April 17 at 9 p.m. for a night of spoken word dedicated to shambling, groaning and grotesque gluttony. Belly on up to the bar, get embalmed and open your mind - they're hungry.

- Tod

March 20: The Judgemental Edition

Open mikes ain't nothing but confession, you say? Well, it's certainly the prevailing cliche: A coffeeshop full of self-serious hipsters, showing off their sins under a thin layer of metaphor and forced rhyme. We've all been to those nights, right? A bizarro confession booth where it's the preachers putting themselves up for a grope?

Yeah, Speakeasy's totally nothing like that ever, almost. But this month, we're wearing the caricature, because the theme for March is Crime and Punishment. Court's in session, writers, so you bring the evidence and we'll bring the verdict - just like always, only more so. Our poets and proclaimers are invited to name names, point fingers, and generally lawyer up with their tales of guilt and innocence. Just remember, you won't go to jail for the writing, but it's Will's Pub - we can't guarantee anything beyond that. Get your briefs in order and head down there at the usual third Tuesday starting time of 9-ish pm on March 20.

Objections? Overruled.

- Tod

Feb. 28: The Badonkedition

First things first, because it's a damn short month: Note the date. Yep, Speakeasy is a week later in February - not the usual 3rd Tuesday. Adjust that schedule accordingly. Why? Man, you ask a lot of questions. Look, kid, there are things known and things unknown and in between is the Speakeasy. We comes like a thief in the night, you know? Just look for the tip on the dresser and we'll see you when we see you.

Anyway, it's good timing. You'll have a couple weeks to shower off all that perfume and sweat from Valentine's Day ... just in time for us to get you all dirty again. Because despite all the poetry, we're a pretty focused bunch. And what we focus on specifically in this most flowery of months ... is Ass. For February, Speakeasy gets right to the heart of the holiday, or at least its center of gravity. Yeah, we've done the sex theme before, but this is different. (Really it is.) We're asking our writers to meditate on that swinging pendulum of desire - the human posterior, fountain of inspiration for artists from Mozart to Sir Mixalot. Will it be romantic? Maybe not, but it might be educational. And we think that's a pretty big "but."

- Tod (is totally not running out of themes)

Jan. 17: The Doghouse Edition

Your host is writing this in December, too early to have any resolutions for the new year. Certainly too early to feel shitty about not keeping them. But this ain't my first rodeo, so I can tell you that sooner or later, I will smell bullshit on these rosy expectations. When are we doing Speakeasy in January? The 17th? Oh, yeah. More than enough time for a few impulsive decisions and late-morning regrets.

So here's my gift of advice to you as the new year rolls in, all shiny and smug with possibility: Start your apologies early. Hell, it might be the last chance you have. Ask anybody in AA - you gotta say you're sorry before you can move on. And you may as well do it at Speakeasy, because our theme for the month will be Apologies. (Unless you're in AA, then you should probably stay well away from Will's Pub.) Writers in January are invited to give us their tales of regret. Of shame. Their done-somebody-wrong-songs, their screwed-the-pooch sestinas. "Love means never having to say you're sorry?" Riiight. Come to Will's on the 17th and get a full night of rebuttals for that moldy little chestnut.

Christian Drake

One thing we ain't the least bit sorry about, though, is booking our featured poet for January: Christian Drake. Nationally, Christian's got more than enough cred for our little one-horse reading. A dangerous presence on national slam poetry teams from California to Massachusetts, his interests and inspirations include man-eating tigers, very large trees and period sex. Not good enough for you? We've also got Christian to thank for the semi-bi-wheneverannual Toast-Off competitions we've been conducting here at Speakeasy and the Orlando Fringe. Ample reason to give him a raucous welcome back to the stage at Will's.

Dec. 20: The Gimme Edition

Here at Speakeasy, we have most definitely taken sides in the War on Christmas. Santa vs. Jesus? Not only does our boy have a significant weight advantage - he's got a philosophical one as well. Under Santa, the world is an orderly place: Be good, do homework, brush teeth, get loot. Repeat yearly. What other force could keep a country full of sugar-bombed youth in line? Certainly not the complicated ethos we had to grind through a whole other day of school on Sunday for. At their core, the shysters and politicians of this land have not made a pact with Satan. They've forsaken the one they made with Santa.

But it's all the same carrot hanging out there, right? Greed. And Gordon Gekko's mojo is not only the prime mover for every hour of overtime since Sears-Roebuck first hung a wreath - it's the theme for Speakeasy this December. Come all ye faithful writers, and let the only thing you share on Dec. 20 be your tales of Scroogely splendor. Well, that, and a decent tip for Bartender Bob. Let's not get out of hand.

But if you are in the giving mood (Santa forbid), then how's this for a party: This Speakeasy will also be our first ever White Elephant Bookshelf Bash. Got a book you need cleared off your shelf? Wrap it up, bring it along and add it to the pile. Every one of our readers will get to pick their own gift from under the tree, and believe me - your host has been stocking up some damn good books, from the rare to the ridiculous.

That's 9 p.m. Dec. 20 at Will's Pub, boys and girls. Belly up for a night that will ensure you sleep right through those three pesky ghosts.

- Tod

Nov. 15: The Household Edition

Home: It's where the heart is, and your couch, and your porn. It might be a mansion, or a cardboard box. If you're an idealist in New York, it might be a spot on the street with a thousand other people. If you're an American in 1492, you might even have to sail across a whole ocean and steal it from some prairie arabs. In short, ain't nobody can tell you where yours is.

So hey, why don't you tell us? On Nov. 15, Speakeasy challenges its writers to invite us in. Take our coats. Throw us a cold one from the fridge, and tackle the subject of Home, whatever that may mean. Who needs the second-hand drama of the Thanksgiving table? For a couple hours at least, let's hang our hats at Will's Pub and create a little of our own.

One thing we've learned from Thanksgiving, though (and every single Speakeasy) - nothing loosens the tongue like a little booze. So we're kicking off this month with another round of your host's favorite drinking game, the Toast-Off. See eight of Orlando's glibbest guys and gals face-off in an increasingly blurry game of competitive toasting. If you haven't seen one before, either at Will's or onstage at the Orlando Fringe, trust us: you're in for a good time. No celebrity judges this time, boys and girls. Just eight drinkers versus a loud and opinionated audience. Moo hoo ha ha.

Your host, on the other hand, will still likely be drunk. I'll be competing in Orlando's second Literary Deathmatch on Nov. 13 against the likes of Kat Dixon, Rachel Kapitan and J. Christopher Silvia. If you saw the inaugural LDM at Urban ReThink, you know there's no good reason not to come to this one, people. Hit the link and get your tickets toot suite.

- Tod